I'm sitting here at my computer with tons of thoughts flowing through my mind - things I want to include in this blog entry, but for the life of me, I can't figure out where to start!
I have a question I want to pose - a question that I'd asked myself a thousand times before, but never quite knew how I'd respond until a couple of weeks ago. Here it is:
How would you respond if someone you knew called you on the carpet about something? How would you react? Would you get defensive? Angry? Offended? Would you accept it as "constructive criticism" and just brush it off? Would you ponder and meditate on it? Would you accept what has been pointed out as a potential problem spot or issue that you may need to address - or would you accuse that someone of being judgmental? Really - how would YOU respond?
Now, I'm not talking about some stranger off the street or some bully at school giving you a piece of their mind. No. I'm talking about someone you know be it a friend, family member, or co-worker - someone who may or may not know you well, but knows you well enough to point out an inconsistency or point of concern. Someone who, to one degree or another, cares about you enough to bring a concern to light.
I honestly didn't know myself how I would react to something like that until about 2 weeks ago.
Following my miscarriage in April, it was brought to my attention that a medication I'd been on - one that had been approved as being "safe" for pregnant women - has now been suspected of potentially causing birth defects in unborn babies. I had been on that medication, Zoloft, for about 5 years for a condition related to my menstrual cycle called Premenstrual dysphoric disorder or PMDD. After hearing about the potential problems of being on Zoloft, my husband and I decided that I would go off of the medication while we're still in "family growing" mode. So, in mid-May, I began the month long process of weaning myself off Zoloft.
It wasn't until the medication began to decrease in my body that I fully realized how much it had been helping. In short, PMDD is a severe form of PMS. (You can read more about PMDD here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pmdd. The symptoms of PMDD generally dominate my body for about 2 of every 4 weeks and can be truly paralyzing.
My first month off of Zoloft wasn't too bad, but as week 5 began, I hit a wall - fast and hard. It was like my world flipped upside down. Not only am I still working through the grief and loss of my son, but being off of the Zoloft left my body trudging it's way through the day-to-day grind completing process after process with hormone levels completely out of whack. It has felt like a war raging inside from my head to my toes and no matter what I do, the war rages on because the human body, in all it's wonder and glory, continues on in the only way it knows how.
I have several wonderful girl friends who I've shared my struggles with. Friends who have comforted me, prayed with and for me, and who always offer a listening ear or warm embrace when I need it. This internal war, however, is really quite a downer and after a while, I've felt that all I do is complain and emit this almost negative aura, and so I've tried to stop talking about the ache - not because I think my friends don't care, but because I'm tired of always being "Johnny Raincloud." The last thing in the world that I want is to bring them down because the war zone of the mind and body is a very messy place.
Two weeks ago, though, my dear friend, Bethany called. I've really not known Bethany very long. She, her husband, and children had been part of our church Life Group. We had really just been getting to know each other when their family relocated to Florida for Bethany's husband's job. We have continued to stay in touch, though, calling one another about every other week just to touch base and check in. The friendship between Bethany and I changed drastically, though, in April following my miscarriage. Bethany and her husband have lost two babies of their own and she is well aware of the wave of emotions and grief that follow.
Bethany and I had been playing phone tag for a few days when we were finally able to connect on a Sunday night. What started out as our normal "how's life" conversation turned into a 3 hour long time of healing when I poured my heart out to her and she poured love, compassion, and understanding in to me. I told Bethany about my war and how hopeless and helpless I felt and in so many ways, I knew she understood.
A few days later, Bethany called again. Our conversation started off as usual - how are you? How's life? Anything new? And then, once again, it turned. Bethany told me that I'd been on her heart and that she was really concerned about me. She told me she was nervous about what she needed to tell me, but went on to say something to the effect of, "I know I'm not a doctor, and I'm not trying to be all up in your business, but I really don't think it's a good idea for you to off your medicine right now. Girl, you just need to cry, eat some ice cream, and give yourself time to heal - it's OK! And remember - God is SO much bigger than any medication or talk of birth defects - He can do anything!"
I tell you - I was shocked. For the first time - I'm tempted to say the first time in my life - someone cared - REALLY cared in a way so crazy and radical that they even DARED to say something like that to me. That's huge! At least it was to me. Bethany didn't just listen to me spout out my troubles - my complaints and my heartache - but she listened - even to the things I didn't say - and she called me on the carpet for trying to handle too much especially when I'm really not in a place to handle much at all. And I'm so glad that she did.
As I hung up the phone, I remember feeling relieved - relieved that someone had pointed out a HUGE problem in me. That someone cared enough to "get all up in my business" and call out an inconsistency and a point of concern. I'm not saying that it'll be that easy the next time, or that I won't be hurt or offended, but take it from someone who has been on both ends of the spectrum - it's never fun to do the confronting, and it's generally not fun to be confronted. But it's something we are all called to do. If you are a follower of Christ, than you, like me, are called to "be up in each others business," to care enough to point out the problems, to offer advice when needed, and to bear the burdens of our brothers and sisters in Christ.
I'm happy to report that I'm now 3 days back into taking Zoloft. It'll be a couple of weeks before I'm feeling back up to speed again, but at least I'm starting to see the light on the horizon. And Bethany, if you read this, you can be "all up in my business" any. time. you. want.
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